We read in the newspaper about the death of an old man or woman and the lawsuit that follows when the family members discover that their inheritance has been spent on. or left to a newly found companion. The almost universal opinion will be that the old person has been foolish, taken in by false affection.
Let me tell you. We are entitled to be foolish.
I am in my 85th year, and that, however some might want to avoid the term, is definitely old age. An age when you contemplate how many years are left to you, what you want to do with them, an age when your natural desires might seem to others to be foolish. Foolish because so many still believe that with age we should lose the longing to be touched, to give and get affection, to share intimacy with someone when the crowd has gone home.
And so, we are vulnerable, vulnerable to people who pay attention to us, who really listen to us, who recognize that there is still a needy human being within the aged body. It is not about sex, although that can still be part of it – let me shock you — even at the most advanced age! It is more, much more, about a longing for intimacy, the shared joke, the post dinner critique, the hand held in a movie theater, and above all, the chance to once again, experience desiring and being desired.
Families should not underestimate the temptation. I’ve been there. After my husband’s death I met a man who proceeded to court me. He was sophisticated, cultured, well-travelled, good-looking, my age, and we had met in the synagogue – what could go wrong? After a few weeks, over dinner, he asked me for $100,000 to invest in a wheat futures scheme. I said no, and never heard from him again
Fortunately, I am not that vulnerable. But I did admit to myself that if I had billions, if I could have afforded to lose that money, I might have said yes, just to have someone like that in my life. The experience threw me. Not because I lost him as a companion, but because of how I suddenly saw myself. Did I look that needy? That vulnerable? Did I look like prey?
I did indeed feel foolish for thinking that a man so attractive, who could easily have the company of younger women, would court a woman his own age for any reason other than advantage. But then, he was Hungarian and, as politically incorrect as that stereotype may be, it unleashed my sense of humor as I recalled the Hungarian in My Fair Lady, and I laughed, at him, and even better, at myself.
Because my husband was eighteen years older than I, I have lived my old age twice – first his, and now my own. Living through his, I witnessed any number of older men and women whose lives grew narrower through the combination of widowhood, isolation and age. Some were called foolish.
One bought the friendship of a younger woman who kept her alive by letting her live a vicarious life. She came and told the older woman all the details of her intimate life – it was a living soap opera. The young woman profited from it – expensive jewelry, real estate, access to a credit card, cash. Those of us who watched were horrified. But who can put a value on what this young woman gave to our friend? To interfere would have been to leave a vacuum we could not fill.
Another has a wardrobe that calls to her. Recently, I took her out to dinner to a perfectly ordinary local bistro. As she is very unsteady on her feet her caregiver brought her to meet me there. She arrived wearing a full length mink coat, an evening gown, long white gloves, and a-glitter with jewelry. Every eye was on her. Was it inappropriate to the occasion and the place? Yes, of course. But who can blame her for perhaps, just once more, wanting to be the woman she once always was, for recreating for a brief evening, the world of glamor she had lived.
I can relate to that. I look at dresses in my closet and wonder if I will ever have the occasion to wear them again and even if I did, who would I wear them with or for? And, would I look like what my late husband called “mutton dressed as lamb”? Undoubtedly.
So be gentle with your judgements, let us have our foolish moments, as we number our days. And remember that what you call foolishness has its roots in the human condition – vanity, loneliness, vulnerability, the need to love and be loved.
As for worrying about your inheritance, I suggest that the time to do that is while the source is still alive.
Joan…glad to hear you said no the 100,000. Don’t worry..you still got your compass!! As for inheritance….my mother would not talk about it. And when she died and I received
the Trust papers…..I found out why….she left 70% to my brother!
Terry Hodge Taylor
Since we know we only have one life to live on this earth, we are entitled to live it any way we wish. If it means doing what others may think is foolish, who cares! We do not have the right to judge what others do….it is not our business. Money and inheritance issues are in most families…mine included and those who count on money, jewelry, and possessions etc are the foolish! Do we earn something simply because we are family? NO!
We were not put on this earth to see what we can accumulate, we are here to love, respect and give the best of ourselves without judgement and selfish greed! Life is short…….
Martha…stupid reply.
Martha…you should know the facts before you reply.
Dear Joan, We knew each other many years ago when we both wrote for the same paper. You were always smart and able to analyze your feelings honestly and share them. Communicating well is one of our most important assets. I often joke that if I won the lottery, I would suddenly be the most popular girl in town.
Once again your column has touched me. I have read, printed and re-read all of those wonderful columns about losing your spouse. They have comforted me greatly. I chuckled when I read this column because some family members think I was left with hundreds of thousands of dollars. Someone was surprised I didn’t have a new car yet. My answer is why should I buy a new one when this one runs like a charm? I don’t plan on having anything left. And at this time, I don’t plan on dating. But I do note that married couples don’t invite me to go with them. That some single women my age don’t ask me to be with them. I live in a senior village and after my husband died, one lady (I use the term loosely) came up and said, “Great! Just what we need. Another single woman.” After the shock of her statement, I just had to stand there and laugh. I told her not to worry, she could have them all. But I agree with the hugging and handholding and discussing the day’s events and all those special things that make a 44-year marriage wonderful. Again, thanks for a thoughtful and wonderful column. Your words are always special to my heart.
Joan, wonderful to hear from you and read your “right on” column. Ernie and I are back in NYC anfd expect to be here most of the summer. Hope you might be here too so you can have dinner with us and Ernie will finally meet the author of your terrific “Foolish One” article it should have wide distribution as you hit on so many facets of our “later years.” What a dear smart person you are. Have missed seeing you. Love, Duane (Pepples)